Sesame Skank
by Wannon
Summary: Wannon (at Smeegee's insistance): *Slash - Bert + Ernie* A very twisted Sesame Street story. Just for the record Ernie doesn't have eyebrows but that didn't stop this... Please R/R and keep and open mind.. this is humour.. but twisted humour.


If this gets posted, then I'll be damned.

It's for Smee-chan, who is a FREAK!!

Yes, that's right, you heard me… ::giggle::I'm kiddin!

It's a Bert + Ernie (from Sesame Street)…crazy, huh?

And it all started with a personal joke, and my ability to talk like Ernie…

Erg…why must I torture myself like this?!

~ Wannon-chan ~

I take blame for this… I just wanted to read some Bert and Ernie slash… and my good buddy Wannon obliged…

~Smeegee-chan~

WARNINGS: Perverted puppets, Sesame slash… dead pigeons and rubber duckies.Are we insane? The short answer is YES, the long answer would take several hours to share…

THE FANFIC (By Wannon-chan)

Sesame SKANK.(okay, so there's nothing skanky…I just liked the title)

It was one of those days on Sesame Street.You know, brightly colored birds were being strung along, their fake feathers fluffing out in the wind, Big Bird was singing a song about some ungodly educational thing, Snuffleupagus (sp?) was batting his incredibly long eyelashes…

And Bert was pigeon-watching.

"Eh eh eh eh…" he laughed, as one of the pigeons strutted past, cooing loudly.It saw Bert and died of a heart attack.

"Aw…" he commented, and threw the dead bird on the steadily increasing pile by his feet.The Count opened his mouth and began counting.

"One…two…three…four…five…six…SEWAN DEAD PIGEONS! AH,AH,AH!" he said.Lightning flashed and thunder rumbled.Bert's monobrow fell down across his eyeballs.

"Uh, Count? Could you go count somewhere else?" he asked.The Count tried to look as angry as an expressionless puppet could, before The Puppet Master dragged him away.Bert resumed killing…watching pigeons.

"Eh, eh, eh, eh…" he laughed again.

~ * ~

Ernie was busily rummaging through Bert's bottle-cap collection, tossing them everywhere.

"Where's my buddy Bert? Oh, I'm so lonely…" he said to himself.He spied his rubber duckie looking at him from the bathtub and laughed, a hissing sound.

"Rubber Duckie! You'll keep me company!" he exclaimed.He rushed to the bathtub and filled it with water and bubblebath.Then he peeled off his ridiculous-looking clothes and hopped in, the water seeping through his stuffed body.Ernie grabbed his rubber…_duckie!…I really mean his rubber duckie…not anything hentai-ish, Smee! ::giggle::Don't look at me like that!!_

So anyways, yeah.He grabbed his rubber duckie and began pushing it around the water.Then he began to sing;

"Rubber Duckie, you're the one…you make bath time so much fun…Rubber Duckie, I'm awfully fond of you…"

::splash::

Ernie stared at the thing that had landed in his bath…

"Super Grover?! Oh, what are you doing in my bath?!" he asked.Super Grover stood up, dripping water everywhere.

"I'm looking for Kermit the Frog…have you seen him?" he asked.A green head poked up from out of the water.

"Hi-ho, Kermit de Frog here…" it said.

"AAAGH!" said Super Grover.

"AAAGH!" said Kermit the Frog.

"GET OUT OF MY BATH!!" said Ernie.The two perverted puppets left quickly, leaving Ernie alone, and still missing Bert.

~ * ~

Bert had managed to kill off all the pigeons on Sesame Street, and was now completely bored.

"Maybe I could go count my bottle caps…" he said to himself.He rushed up the stairs and opened his and Ernie's apartment door.

"ERNIE!!!" he screamed upon seeing his bottle cap collection strewn everywhere.Ernie came sliding across the floor, unable to stand, as he was too heavy with water.

"Oh, my good buddy Bert…I've missed you so much!" he said, as he looked up at the frowning puppet with a monobrow.

"Ernie! You've ruined my bottle cap collection! Look at them! They're everywhere that they're not supposed to be!!" he said, gesturing wildly.Ernie's left eye fell off.

"Oh dear.Oh, my good buddy Bert…I seem to have lost an eye." He said calmly.Bert bent down to pick it up, and his monobrow fell off.

"Damn thing! It's been playing up all day today!…stupid pigeon pecked it thinking it was a moldy french fry." He muttered, picking it up as he stuck Ernie's eye back on.Sideways.

"Uh, Bert? Bert?…my eye seems to be on sideways, Bert." Ernie complained.Bert sighed deeply, twisting the eye around.

"Well if you would stop having baths, Ernie, then you wouldn't go moldy and fall to pieces!" he exclaimed.Ernie laughed.

"But how can I play with my rubber duckie?" he asked, and Bert dropped his monobrow.

"What? Ernie! This is a children's show!" he said, exasperated.Ernie tried to raise his eyebrows, and only succeeded in making them fall to the floor with a wet 'splat'.

"Oh, my good buddy Bert…there are no children watching, Bert." He said.Bert's nose fell off, bouncing across the floor to land in a plastic potted plant.

"Ernie!" he said.The orange-skinned puppet laughed again.

"Hey Bert…wanna be my rubber duckie?" he asked.Bert's eyes fell off, leaving him looking like a football with a tuft of hair.Ernie took his chance, sliding further across the floor to grab Bert's ankles, dragging him down to the floor.

"AAAGHH!" Bert yelled, landing with a soft 'thump'.Ernie began to drag the yellow puppet, grabbing his facial features as he went.He scrambled up into the bathtub, bringing Bert with him.

"Ernie? Are we in the bath?" Bert asked.Ernie nodded, before realizing that Bert had no eyes.

"Yup! Oh my good buddy Bert…we're gonna have so much fun!" he said enthusiastically, and began to get rid of Bert's clothes.Once he was undressed, they began swapping eyes and noses, eyebrows and monobrows.They had a ton of good, healthy fun.Ernie leant over to try and kiss Bert, but being such an awkwardly-made puppet, he couldn't quite do it.Bert had fallen asleep, his monobrow covering his eyes, which still looked open.

_I must see if I can get Bert and I some eyelids…he thought.He decided to sing Bert a lullaby, despite the fact he was already asleep._

"Rubber Bertie, you're the one, you make my life lots of fun…Rubber Bertie, I'm awfully fond of you…" he whispered, before he too, fell asleep with his eyes open.Soft snores arose from the two, as they waited for the next Sesame Street episode to begin.

~ THE END ~

EPILOGUE (By Wannon and Smee-chan)

The two puppet masters came out from behind the bathtub.A redheaded girl grinned hugely, before the brunette whapped her upside her head.

"Baka!" she said, but spoilt the effect by grinning too. "I can't believe you actually wrote that!" she said.The redhead looked proud.

"You'd think Sesame Street was unslashable," she mused.

"But... what about Ernie and Bert?" The brunette asked sadly, "Can't you write a little more when Ernie gets some action?" she concluded hopefully.

"Smee-chan! I'm tired! You know what happens when I'm tired!! I didn't want this scary fic to have a sappy ending…or have us in it…BUT IT DOES!!" Wannon sobbed hysterically, "And I absolutely refuse to write Sesame Street lemon!"

Smee-chan tried the puppy-dog eyes, but to no avail.Wannon frowned.

"Like I haven't faced that before," she said scornfully, storming away from the fanfic.Smee-chan looked confused.

"Wait! What should I do with this fanfic?!" she called after Wannon.

"Whatever you bloody well like! It's yours! I take no responsibility for it!" she snapped.

WHAT WANNON WANTS TO HAPPEN: Smee-chan sighed, as she finished reading this.She then closed down the document and deleted the fanfic, making a silent promise never to mention it again…for fear of Wannon strangling her to death.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS: Smee-chan giggled as she remembered all the funny stuff that happened in Wannon's insane fic and decided right there and then to post it._So what if it gets flames!_ she thought, _I think its DAMN hilarious! And I'm sure that some other people will too…_

The End.

Wannon is the brilliant soul who wrote the actual fanfic… and Smee-chan is the insane individual who requested it, stole it and posted it.

You go comments?Come on... you thought it was funny, didn't you?Review below… guess what… if ya flame Wannon, Smee-chan will track you down and beat you with a trout with NAILS in it.

Just for the record… we will never write more Sesame Street stories… there will be no Super Grover x Kermit the Frog… no Cookie Monster x Snufulupgus… Unless… Lets not got there ^_^


End file.
